I'm wondering if some members of this site could share experiences or insights regarding reconciling Deist beliefs with the conflicting religion of your upbringing, in which your parents are still firmly entrenched, while somehow maintaining a relationship with your parents. Short background story: I grew up super-Catholic (church, school, rosary, etc.) and have a mostly positive attitude regarding my religious upbringing because I feel it helped me develop a spirituality and desire to search for the meaning of life, connection to the divine, etc. As long as I can remember I have been what I would now categorize as a Contemporary Unitarian Deist (I had not heard of Deism until this year) and I never believed in most of the superstitious aspects of the Catholic faith, but I was comfortable remaining Catholic because I liked the service, songs, and prayers, it was what I was used to, and I didn't want to have no church or be a Baptist or something Over the past few years I realized that I just couldn't declare or affirm beliefs that I didn't follow, I realized that I don't want my children to grow up with Catholic doctrine as their formal spiritual education, and I became detached from the church I belonged to since I really didn't like the pastor and then it just started to lose meaning after I embraced Deism.

I have been on a wonderful spiritual journey and have loved what I've found here and at other Deist forums and in Chuck's book, and I'm considering joining a Unitarian Universalist Church since I desire a church experience and formal spiritual education of some kind for my children. My conflict is that I have a close relationship with my parents, I see them weekly, and they are really close to my (two very young) children. My children received the Catholic Baptism ritual and my parents are their godparents (tasked with helping them develop their faith). Although different (my mom is open-minded and my dad is very dogmatic), mom & dad are both very involved in Catholic practice, are lay Franciscans, etc., and their religion is their life. I feel that if I completely reject the Catholic faith, I will be deeply dishonoring my parents and what is perhaps their greatest wish for my life (to continue their faith), so I'm trying to work on a compromise. I'm struggling with whether to include the Catholic faith and traditions in my children's lives because it is the faith of their grandparents and the church that we belonged to when they were born. I don't want to strip my parents of their duty as the children's godparents, and think that in some way they should be able to share their faith with the kids, but I'm worried about it conflicting with what my husband (an Agnostic Deist) and I believe.

My current thought is that perhaps my family should attend Mass once a month at my parents' church, followed by a lunch and sharing of a Catholic faith topic, so the kids can have that experience as something that is a family tradition but still removed from our house/daily life. Then on other Sundays we can attend U-U service or do other spiritual activities that focus more on our Deist beliefs. I guess I'm looking for advice from people who have mixed faith families and how this works, since I don't have experience with it. Is it okay to expose your kids to more than one belief system, or does that confuse them? I am supportive of the teachings of Jesus so I'm fine with my children learning Bible stories and being exposed to Christian beliefs, but I don't know what I will do when they are the age when Catholic children would normally receive "Sacraments" (which I mostly don't support), and I don't know what I will do regarding Baptism when we have another child (I don't consider myself Catholic anymore but am concerned that the child will be treated differently by my parents and extended family if not baptized like the other children, should I go through the motions of the Catholic Baptism for all of my kids to honor my parents' faith and not single out one child as different?).

Is there anyone who has experienced something similar? How did you handle what your children were exposed to? I'm not interested in responses with the attitude of "forget your parents and do whatever you want regardless of what they think" because I love my parents and want to do all I can (within my personal integrity and what is best for my children, hence the conflict) to honor what they've spent their lives teaching me and giving to me. I'm struggling with whether embracing my new "religion" is worth putting a strain on my relationship with my parents and causing them agony over thinking that I have lost my soul or that their child and their grandchildren will "go to hell". That belief is ridiculous to me, but when I put myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel if I thought that I had lost the most important people in the world to me, my children, it causes me great anguish that I could be doing that to them. Help...

I think your core question is, is it ok to expose your children to more than one belief system, and I must ask what you mean by "exposed". If you mean telling them what others, including your family believe vs what you're teaching them, that's one thing and it's obviously necessary. But allowing them to be taught major mixed messages about what they believe I think can only be destructive and will provide them with what will ultimately be no foundation at all. You don't mention what may be a further complication, what your husband's family thinks and believes. IMO, you must get your priorities in order, and in this case, your children must take priority over your parents if they leave you no choice. But I think you may be worrying more than you need to about it. Your parents reconciled themselves with your being married to an agnostic deist, surely they must have had some idea what that might mean vis a vis their grandchildren.

In the olden days, you only discussed religion and politics with your family, because there was rarely disagreement there, and abided by the old adage that you don't discuss them in "polite company". Now, it's almost exactly the opposite. With my wife's family, we don't discuss either, and with my family, especially my brother's fundamentalist family, we only discuss politics. Not long ago one of his young granddaughters asked me quite innocently, out of the blue, why I was so unhappy. Her father is training to be a Southern Baptist minister and I'm sure had explained to her in children's terms that I was unhappy because I wasn't a Christian and I was going to hell. Things have not been the same since. They were embarrassed that I was embarrassed, but unrepentant. The only way to avoid situations like that is not to talk about it at all. Unfortunately, with your parent's apparent expectations, that is probably not an option--but again, I think they probably already know and have, to a degree, prepared themselves, and things will actually improve once this is out in the open.

Thanks...I'm getting used to my children being the priority over my parents. My husband is not an issue, his only family is his mom and she's a Unitarian/Deist/Other. I'm the one with about 150 close family members, most of whom are Catholic or Christian I had always described my husband as a "non-denominational Christian" (we hadn't discussed the word "Deist" and what it means until recently when hubby told me that's what he considered himself) - while he would not become Catholic, he liked attending Mass with us and he likes Jesus's teachings. He believes mostly the same things as me, but just doesn't really care about it like I do.

There is one added complication, though - out of the four children in my family, I was the last remaining Catholic so I guess I felt added pressure to be the one who followed through on the faith. My siblings (an atheist and two non-denom Christians) did have their children baptized in a Catholic church, though, to appease my parents...that's why I'm considering doing that for the third child we're planning to have next year.

I guess the main issue for me is the guilt over betraying my parents' hopes and dreams for me (I sometimes consider whether I should compromise my integrity and just remain Catholic for my parents' sake) and whether Catholic traditions should be considered part of our family. I do still want to celebrate Christmas and Easter, including (a broad general description) of the Catholic/Christian meaning, but I'm trying to decide how much more we should do, like occasionally attending Mass so the children have some knowledge of the prayers and rituals (which I don't really believe in, but which are a part of my heritage and an integral part of their grandparents' lives). I suppose it comes down to how important faith and religion are in my life; I'm going through a time of spiritual growth/enlightenment right now so it's really important, perhaps in a few years it won't matter so much...

That's makes a huge difference. Your siblings have already greased the skids--and you're the baby out of four. You could get away with murder (so to speak). And not that you want to, just sayin. BTW, if you were to sacrifice your integrity, you'd never forgive them, or yourself.

At least you and your husband are on the same page, which is a luxury you should always be thankful for. When I asked my wife to marry me, she said yes....if.....we brought up our children in the Church. I agreed with the stipulation that I'd never deny my beliefs. We were too stupid in love to know that would never work, at least not with her church. When we attempted to join a church, the pastor came to our house to welcome us, and asked us if we believed in Jesus as our Lord and Savior. I of course said no.

Long 1 1/2 story and a very mortified wife later, he told my wife that she and our child wouldn't be welcome if I accompanied them--which was the whole point. She was shocked, and to tell the truth, so was I. Apparently he was an exceptional jerk, but Baptist Churches are pretty autonomous, and vary widely in their practices. Although she never abandoned her Christianity, she really turned from the church after that, and even, I think, was slowly coming to understand what I'd been saying. Neither of our families ever knew any of this, just that we didn't attend church except when visiting them.

Moral: blood is thicker than water...even holy water. My best guess is, from where I sit anyway, that things are going to work out for you very well.

There is a "secular Catholic" on the positivedeism.com forums by the name of InnerProp. He might could give support in that arena.
I don't really have any great answers to your questions but I believe children will grow into perfectly imperfect adults as long as we care about them. And obviously you do. I have a cousin and her family that I like to visit that are devout in their Christian religion. We've managed to discuss religion a few times without offending each other, at least to my knowledge. I went with them to a coptic Christian church where most of the members were Egyptians (her husbands nationality) and while I was there I put the cloth on my head as a head covering as required by their beliefs. The irony was I was bald at the time If you read the first Corinthians around verse 11-14 or something it is the much quoted "hair is a woman's glory" but also states that a woman should have her head covered during church and if she doesn't she might as well be bald. Well it was funny to me. Anyhoo I guess my point is that I followed their traditions while in their church out of respect not belief. And I don't feel like a hypocrite for doing it. Another time I went to their Lutheran church and listened to a positive sermon that made me think and my children were in their sunday school while I was there. (my cousin was the teacher and they had fun!) I don't mind my children hearing and learning about the christian faith, and lets face it I live in the bible belt and couldn't stop it unless we were hermits. I do let my children know what I believe.
What I don't want them exposed to(at least not by some zealous overbearing adult while I'm not around) are the negative parts of Christianity. The devil, original sin, women should be subservient, "no matter what you do it's not good enough" and "if you dont believe in Jesus you are going to Helll" etc. That's what I believe can negatively affect a child. I'm sure they will hear it when they get older but having the idea brow beaten into them and making them scared is the only thing I worry about.
I celebrate Halloween, Christmas, and Easter but they are really more Pagan than Christian anyway. To sum my rambling up I guess I feel that you should do what makes you happy. You don't have to shun everything about revealed religion to be a "good deist." If you want to take your children to church every once in a while to be closer to your parents then I'd say they will appreciate it. And they will understand when ya'll don't take the sacrament. It's a compromise where ya'll are meeting in the middle. But in the end I do have to say that whatever your parents wish for you it's your life. And perhaps one of the hardest parts of parenting is learning that "children are not people to be molded, but people to be unfolded." But if it comes to the hard choice of pretending to be Catholic to keep up ya'lls reltionship or losing the relationship by proclaiming your new belief I'd say choose which makes you happiest.